We’ve all heard the saying before. “It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding”. So many of my clients come to me determined not to see their significant other before the ceremony (we call this a “first look”), quoting this old superstition. Deciding if you want a first look on your wedding day can be tough, so I’d like to list some of the perks here for anyone on the fence.
Let’s be clear – I’m here for my clients. If they wanted to wear a tie-dyed dress and descend into the ceremony from a hot air balloon, I’d make it happen (I might point out some financial red flags and logistical difficulties, but hey, it’s your call).
If you want the ceremony to be first time your fiancé sees you, then that’s what we’re going to do. I’ve had clients on both sides of this topic. Marie wanted to make sure she spent as much time as we could possibly manage with her groom, while Adrienne was focused on the symbolism and tradition behind waiting until the ceremony.
Whatever you decide, be sure you’ve looked into what the perks might be, so you can make the most informed decision possible.
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Where did this superstition come from anyway?
You can probably figure out from two words: Arranged marriage. Back in the day (and in some places this still is the case), the parents would work out the details between themselves and other parents: who would marry whom, when, where, etc.
The kids (adults or not), got no say in this. Brides were hidden from the grooms until the moment they were escorted down the aisle by their fathers, so that the groom was not so inclined to take off if he didn’t like the bride’s appearance. The bride would have a veil over her face until her father “gave her away” and revealed her by lifting the veil. At this point, the groom would shame his family if he ran, and thus was forced to stay and complete the ceremony.
Super romantic, huh?
Many many brides still choose to wait to be seen until the last possible moment, and there is nothing wrong with this.
I repeat: there is nothing wrong with waiting until the ceremony to see each other. No shaming allowed.
But for some people, the origin of this tradition is not something that they want to support, and that’s okay too. This is why it’s important to look into some of the “why’s” behind wedding traditions, instead of going forward with what everyone else has always done.
Alllll the photos during (and because of!) a first look
There are a few points to be made here, the first being that you are going to roughly double the amount of pictures you get with your soon-to-be spouse. Your wedding will last roughly 5 hours, and at the end of the day, all you have are photos (and video, if you go that route).
Since you’ve already seen each other, there’s nothing stopping you from getting group shots with the bridal party, immediate family members, and even extended family (if you’re okay with having them there before the ceremony). This means that you’ll have…
A more flexible cocktail hour
Cocktail hour is generally designed to give the guests something to do while you take newlywed photos together. By taking some of these photos ahead of time, you free yourself up to options!
You could continue to take photos together (I recommend at least a short session after the ceremony, even if you do a first look!), you could have a romantic private dinner before joining your guests (more on that another time), practice your first dance, or you could actually attend cocktail hour and spend more time with your guests.
You could even forgo cocktail hour completely and have more time for dinner and dancing! The world is your oyster because you’ve freed up some time in a packed day.
I wouldn’t be doing you any favors if I didn’t recommend here that you find a wedding planner (or even a day-of coordinator) to manage your timeline the day of the wedding. This person would ideally work with you to create a realistic timeline, but at the very least should be in charge of getting you to the right places at the right time, and making sure you don’t spend so much time taking photos that your guests’ dinner gets cold.
Getting to spend more time with your person
When you are stressed, anxious, or otherwise jittery, who do you turn to? In most cases, your significant other is a source of peace to you – that’s (theoretically) why you’re marrying them! Why hide from them during what could be an incredibly stressful time?
My average clients’ weddings last about 5 hours, with roughly 30 minutes being spent on the ceremony. If you wait until the ceremony to see each other, you’re spending 4.5 hours together, surrounded by a ton of people who also want your attention.
We typically hold our first looks for about thirty minutes, roughly two hours prior to the ceremony, and our clients almost always ask for this time to be private – this means no parents, bridal party, or any non-essential vendors. Camera crew only.
This time is yours to spend with your person, with little direction from the camera crew, capturing you and your togetherness as organically as possible. No distractions. It may not sound like much now, but 99% of the time, my clients come out of this time saying “I feel SO much better.”
“I want that special moment when I walk down the aisle!”
I’ve got news for you.
That special moment will happen no matter how much time you’ve spent together that day. Here’s my living breathing proof:
Two months ago, I had a bride and groom who chose to enter their ceremony together. More on that a later date, but in a nutshell, they believed that they had been walking together a long time and that this was one more walk they wanted to take as a couple.
They did their first look, and the spent the entirety of the day together, right up to the moment they walked into their ceremony, hand in hand.
Both of them laughed and cried throughout the entire ceremony, and were positively glowing when they turned to face each other for their vows. As soon as I get the photos back from this event, you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll be posted here and on my website.
Seeing each other ahead of time will not diminish the power of the moment that you are walking to (or with!) your person during your ceremony.
There are a few things we can do to make it a second special moment if you do decide to have a first look. The most common thing I do is wait until the ceremony to put in a veil. Just like when you’re trying on dresses, you feel beautiful when you find THE dress…but you feel like a bride once you’re wearing the veil. It’s the same psychology when we put the veil on right before you walk down the aisle – a whole new look.
Everyone needs to make the “first look decision” as a couple
Some brides have strong feelings while the groom doesn’t care, or vice versa. Sometimes both units say “absolutely not, I want it to be a surprise”, and that’s great too! But don’t let your photographer or planner or mom or anyone else influence this choice. Your vendors should do everything they can to educate you (as I’m hopefully doing here!) so that you can make your own informed decision.
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